it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
