Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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