No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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