I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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