Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
