This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
