good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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