there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want her autograph on my taint
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
