did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
