Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
