Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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