I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
