My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
