Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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