....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
