I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
