Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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