What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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