I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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