Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
