A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
