I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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