I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize