i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
