So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
