i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
