i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell her she can't have a vagina
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
