I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
try to milk me bitch
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