Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
