Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
