When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
