the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
