So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
