we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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