her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
whose parrot is this?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
