and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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