does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
