life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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