It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
