just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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