I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
