i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
