I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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