So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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