The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
the raccoons are back...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
