My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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