He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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