Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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