Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
