I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
