i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize