im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
