I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
