Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
