I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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