I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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