I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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