Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
