Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
