if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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