No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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